It’s been quiet on this website for a while. I hope that will change, but I don’t know when. In the interest of full disclosure, this post isn’t about food; it’s about mental health – and it’s long. It’s the only post on this topic that I have planned, so if it isn’t your thing, just come back next time :).
I wanted to tell you all the story of what’s happening with me, what happened to me before, and how I’m getting better. I want to play a role in sustaining the dialogue about mental health and encouraging people who need it to get help. So, here’s an abridged history of my grappling with mental illness.
This isn’t the first time I’ve struggled.
Many years ago, I went through a bout of severe depression, which almost completely incapacitated me. I quit my job because I didn’t feel like going; came close to failing out of college; spent most days in my room crying; and hid almost all of this from the people around me.
As that period of time stretched longer and longer, feeling that I was at rock bottom already, I sensed nothing to lose by dabbling in drugs. One in particular gave me a feeling of satisfaction that I had all but forgotten, and while in a strange way my depression began to fade, different problems were beginning. I would spend the next several years swinging wildly on a pendulum of mental highs and lows, and as a result I would miss out on many crucial formative experiences that should have been occurring in my early twenties.
Eventually I clawed my way out of that. Some of it was work that I put in; some of it was good fortune, and inherent privilege from which I benefit. Frankly, some it was nondeterministic happenstance. Nevertheless, I managed to find myself on a better path than the one I had been on.
Over the years since then, I’ve lived a successful life. I’ve experienced a lot of happiness, I’ve had relationships that helped me grow, I’ve made tons of mistakes and I have learned a lot. For many of them, I’ve run this website, which has been an incredible journey in itself! Depression has knocked at my door again many times, sometimes coupled with anxiety problems too; leaning on everything I’ve learned and improved about myself, I’d never fully relapsed until 2020 came around.
The past several months culminated in a mental health free-fall for me.
This time, for me, it started slowly. Pangs of depression here and there, fixed with a change of scenery and some fresh air. Twinges of anxiety that I snapped out of. I made sure to stay positive, and I assumed that it would pass.
Then, they started to linger a little bit more. Instead of bad moments, I was having bad days; then, strings of them. I made a list of things to do for self-care, and no matter what happened, I tried to do everything on the list, every day. I felt like I was working on things. I was still doing activities that I enjoy, spending time with my partner, and pursuing goals.
Then, it started taking away my sleep. I would lie awake in bed, worrying about anything and everything. I tried to push the anxiety and depression away and that struggle just made them more powerful.
Falling asleep would take me hours, or sometimes it wouldn’t really happen at all. I would wake up in the morning and feel like the only intention I could muster for the day was to survive it, to stay afloat until bedtime. I started to fear sleep and the failure I was beginning to associate with it, and I was quickly in a downward spiral.
When you’re exhausted, a lot of your mental faculties abandon you too. I couldn’t concentrate on anything, or get much of anything done. With nothing else to fill my head, that just made more room for anxiety, and worry, and eventually, panic. It didn’t matter the topic; everything that happened to me, or that I did, started to have a negative gleam. Every event felt unlucky, and every slight toward me felt deliberate.
Normally, I’m a resilient and positive person, with boundless enthusiasm and a joyful attitude. Normally, I love myself and I’m confident. But slowly, over the course of some months, I became in some ways entirely different from that: pessimistic, easily discouraged, very unsure, and sometimes altogether paranoid. I was covering those things up, mostly. But once I stopped sleeping, I couldn’t do that anymore.
I stopped showing up to work, almost completely. I stopped cooking, almost completely. I stopped reading books, I stopped doing yoga, and I started letting clutter build up in my home. Worst of all, I stopped loving myself. The thoughts in my head have not been kind. At some point I became aware of all of this, and I could painfully see how far I would have to travel to get back to where I had been.
I have had some incredibly bad nights. Once, I was staying at my boyfriend’s place and couldn’t sleep. I eventually left in a panic at 3 in the morning to go home. My life was in danger, driving a car while so utterly mentally bankrupt. After I (thankfully) reached my destination, I still couldn’t sleep. I eventually fell asleep at 5:30, for just 90 minutes, my brain waking me back up with generic, pointless fright. I spent the next day too tired to do anything, but still too anxious to relax. Imagine being so depleted you can barely walk up the stairs, while your heart continues to pound in your chest anyway.
I should have gotten help before that event ever happened. But amazingly, even that didn’t get me to. It took another several weeks, and another terrible night. That time, my boyfriend was awake with me for hours in the middle of the night while I anxiously cried, cycling again through everything that was unnerving me. I care about the people in my life too much, especially him, to want any of them to lose sleep over me, and that feeling is what managed to propel me the following day to finally schedule an appointment with a therapist.
It gets better.
There are a lot of things that we can all do to support our mental health and tweak things that aren’t quite right – and we should do those things. But I’ve been very sick, and mental illness should be addressed with professional help. This is a belief that I’ve always held; this isn’t my first time going to therapy and it likely won’t be my last. My only regret in this case is not taking that step sooner. Ideally, it wouldn’t take worrying about someone else to get help for myself. That’s part of the self-love that I’m working on.
I’ve always been lucky, even if things have felt unlucky for me lately. I’m lucky that my employer is working with me to keep my job while all of this is happening. I’m lucky that I have a supporter in my life who is gently encouraging me to get the help that I need, and caring about me when I’m not myself. I’m lucky that even though they’re thousands of miles away, I have a family that loves me, too. I’m privileged that I can access mental health care.
My journey back to mental wellness is beginning at the moment. I feel a little bit better. Next week, I hope it will be a little more. I know that eventually it will be a lot better – because I’ve lived through this before, and the life I’ve had since then has been nothing short of wonderful.
I’m not ashamed of what I’m going through, and nobody else should be ashamed of what they’re going through. This is happening to me, but I’m getting help. You can do the same, and the more we all talk about it, the better we’ll all be.
Your mind is everything you have; it’s your interface to the world. Working on it can seem very scary for all sorts of reasons, but it will make your life better. Don’t let it get as bad as I did before allowing yourself to be helped. (And to be sure, please know that you’re never too old to work on things. Humans can experience neuroplasticity for the full duration of their lives. Here’s a great podcast about that.)
I found my current counselor through BetterHelp and attend sessions virtually. It was the easiest approach for me while this pandemic is still going on. To get started with therapy, all you have to do is show up once! You have nothing to lose from that.
If any part of my experience resonates with you, and you aren’t sure what to do next, please feel welcome to reach out to me (in the comments, or yupitsvegan@gmail.com). I see you, I understand, and I care.
Oh, and if you managed to make it all the way through the entirety of this tome, thank you very much for reading :).
P.S. If you are in urgent need of help, or considering self-harm, please call 1-800-273-8255 at any hour to speak with someone who cares.
I'm Shannon, the writer and photographer of Yup, it's Vegan! I'm a morning person based in Baltimore, USA. My mission is to create healthy plant-based recipes that anyone would enjoy, using seasonal produce with inspiration from global flavors.
Thrivevegancooking says
Sending you virtual hugs and warmth. So grateful you are starting to improve. I also am grateful mental health issues are now openly discussed and not hidden like it was when I was younger. Mental health is just as important as your physical health. This pandemic, and lack of proper response to it has taken a toll on so many people. Hoping for better days ahead for you and everyone else who is struggling.
Maureen Lennon says
Thank you for sharing your experience. I have similar struggles, and am going to return to my therapist as these new stressful times drain everything.
Erin says
Hello!
Warm wishes and support for you during this difficult time. May you get through this season of your life and become stronger and healthier as a result.
Thank you for sharing your struggles. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I just want you to know you aren’t alone. You are very special and wonderful.
I hope you feel encouragement and love soon. Love Erin
Line Bech Nielsen says
Sending lots of love, warm thoughts and hugs <3
Lisa says
Shannon, I’m new to your blog, and really enjoy it already. Your mental health post took a lot of courage to do, is warm, thoughtful, and heartwarming. Am glad to hear you’re going in a positive direction. Hey have you ever checked out Jenny Lawson? Last year I listened to some of her audio books, and they are such simple delight. She struggles with depression+, and narrates her own books, so you can visualize her animated life stories. You may find a comrade in arms. She brought me a lot of silly joy and to feel I wasn’t alone in my personal struggles. Wishing you well. And thanks for the great blog and wonderful recipes! We’re making your green tomato salsa today.
CJW says
Sending you love, light and peace.
Kristin says
Thank you for sharing with us. I appreciate you telling your story. It’s been a tough year. Glad you’re seeking help—I hope you start to feel better!
Tina says
Thank you for being open and make it be known that you can be an enthusiastic and confident person while at risk for mental health issues. I have a friend who can lapse into depression and not reach out to anyone. It is difficult to not hold it against her for going radio silent. This post reminds me to not let my own ego get in the way of checking in on her. Wishing you the best journey to your healthiest mental self.
Al says
Bravo for talking about this! Say it loud and clear – there is no shame in mental illness. It’s an illness humans suffer, no different than cancer or pneumonia. There is no shame in having pneumonia and no shame if you get again 20 years later. And just like those diseases, the best path is to get professional help early and to enlist the support of your family and friends. Hang in there. You’re going to make it!
Mary says
Hi Shannon, thank you for sharing this — I’m sure it wasn’t easy. I just discovered your website and I am always excited to find vegan dishes, and can’t wait to try some of yours. You already have inspired me with your honesty, warmth, and authenticity, and I’m sure this will resonate in your recipes. Stay strong…xo
Erica says
Thank you for sharing! I wish you all the best.
Joe Jacovino says
thanks for the post, I was attracted to the page by the yup it’s vegan title, it reminded me a bit about life, yup it’s difficult. wishing u all the best in your battle against depression, and possibly give Dr Kelly Brogan a look up on the www. she helps a lot of folks
Tina says
Thank you for your sharing your experience.
It reminds me of my own journey past and present.
Your website has been very valuable to my family after I recently stumbled upon it to look for vegan baked recipes for my kids with food allergies.
Claire says
Thank you for your honesty. It’s been a tough year.
Jill says
Thank you for writing and for your boldness to share the details of your story. We really enjoy your recipes! We hope you keep doing this valuable work and continue to stay healthy 🙂
Barb Noon says
I’m so glad you are getting better! This was so important for me to read: “Your mind is everything you have; it’s your interface to the world. Working on it can seem very scary for all sorts of reasons, but it will make your life better. Don’t let it get as bad as I did before allowing yourself to be helped. (And to be sure, please know that you’re never too old to work on things. Humans can experience neuroplasticity for the full duration of their lives.” I will watch the podcast you recommended and share your advice.
Denise Speight says
Oh Dear Heart- Thank you for so candidly sharing your experience and helping to normalize the experiences of those who struggle with mental health issues. I also have episodes of severe depression and have felt kicked to the curb by Life at times. That you have mustered the strength to reach out for help is great news and I am glad you are taking steps to get back to the Life you love.
~A former Baltimore gal sending you Big Love from Ontario, Canada
Kimba Griffith says
We love this site and the deliciousness you have brought yo our family table.
May you be happy.
May you be safe from harm.
May you be healthy.
May you be free from suffering
Xx
Amy says
Thank you for sharing ♡♡♡ The more we break the boundaries of speaking about mental health the easier it will be for us all compassion for ourselves and each other through difficult times. Thank you, thank you, thank you xxx
Gwen says
Just found your site a few days ago. Tried one recipe(that everyone loved) and looking at others. Then came across your blog about your depression today. You have probably helped more people than you will ever know by being honest about your journey and encouraging others to get professional help. One of my sons has had depression and anxiety since childhood. It is hard to witness, but such a relief when he starts to feel better. Of course the bigger picture is all the work he has put in and the therapist who has helped.Prayers.
Another Helping says
So glad you had support to help you find help. When I had my major episode, I had my “angels” who sat me down and told me they were concerned. That led me to a good therapist and a med that gave me a floor to stand on. Then the hard work happened.
You are so right that mental illness as nothing to be ashamed of, and awareness and communication is crucial. Thank you for sharing your story.
Dominique says
I’m sorry you’ve been struggling. As someone who has battled mental health issues since childhood, I know how hard it can be.
For my anxiety, I use tapping (EFT) and it really helps calm me down. There are lots of great tap alongs on youtube for many different issues. It does look strange but it’s really helpful.
Sending positive healing energy your way!
Josée says
Hi Shannon,
Thank you so much for this post. Your sharing is such a gift to so many people who suffer with shame about mental illness. You are so right-there is no shame in depression. So glad to hear that you are starting to feel better. Wishing you all the best on your healing journey.
Jenny says
Sending virtual hugs
Deborah Rivest says
I hope this helps… https://nutritionfacts.org/video/anti-inflammatory-diet-for-depression/
Shannon @ Yup, it's Vegan says
No doubt eating a healthy diet makes all sorts of things easier. That being said, I would never recommend that anyone try to recover from mental illness without addressing their mental health directly.
Sue says
Glad you are seeking help. Thanks for sharing. You are a strong person.
Tami Freier says
Came across you blog as I’m beginning to change over to a plant based diet, I found soo much more. Thank you for sharing you story this has been a tough year! My daughter (who is actually is a clinical therapist) is going through the same thing. Sending you hugs!!
TONI SAMUEL says
Hi Shannon,
I have just come across your website and am glad on a number of levels. Thank you for sharing about your journey and your honesty. Self care is so important and I’m so pleased that you are on that path.
I came here for a tres leches recipe and got so much more
Pat says
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s difficult for some people to understand the grip that depression and anxiety can have. For some of us it’s far too easy to understand. Thank you for encouraging people to reach out when they need help.
Vegan Police says
You are not alone. We are here and we care.
in2insight says
Sending you virtual hugs and strength.
Annie says
Oh, this is so much for you, I’m sorry that you are going through this now. I’m holding space for you. I know you can do this.